A Vote for Eloping.........

...To quote the Bard of the 21st Century (aka Jimmy Buffet):

"My head hurts, my feet sink, and I don't love Jesus."

..In actuality, my joints hurt, my crotch stinks and I don't believe in weddings.

...This weekend I worked my normal shifts. Saturday was heavy; it felt like people weren't on shift or my call volume was set to eleven. We have a new staff member that's just come off training, so every other call she took required asking me something. That's not her fault, that's how they train. Sunday was lighter, for which I was happy about that, but I pulled the last call that made me late getting out the door.

...Our nephew, Chase, got married late yesterday. Big deal you say? Well, I'm struggling. Hard.

...I don't have anything against Chase. He's a good kid, probably spoiled kid and the Little Prince of the family. He's watched both parents survive major health issues, but life has been handed on a silver platter. He dated a girl through most of high school, but they broke it off when College hit. He took up with his now-wife there. At religious college. Where he's supposed to graduate next year with a degree in nursing -- but let's just say I don't know that his career is headed in that direction. He really wanted to go into Ministry, so he married The Minister's Daughter. Literally. She just got her degree (and her MRS for that matter).

...Because of all things Covid, the original plans were hip checked into the boards. An alternate sight was located, a up went the tent and chairs.

...I don't know about the Wedding Party, but I would have rather been anywhere else. You see, just because I was ready to leave on-tine/early, that didn't mean Sean and his girlfriend were. She's an anchor around his neck, pulling him further into Davy Jones locker. The clothes they'd bought the day before weren't the right size or the right fit, and they both needed shoes. They should have figured this out at some point previous, but no. They got to the house 20 minutes late. We were headed to far points east then way north to areas that I haven't been to in no less than 5 years, and more like 20+. There are untold stop lights between here and there because this region keeps growing unrestricted and stupid people driving stupidly mean more traffic signals.

...Well, eventually we roll up in Richie Rich-ville. Parking is on the street and about a quarter mile hike in shoes not designed for such. I will not/won't be late, so I kicked it into Second Gear and made it, panting and flushed, but we took our seats long enough to blow kisses to family.

...The ceremony was, well, many things. The Bride's Father handled much if it, but for freak's sake, my nephew isn't the Second Coming and I'm tired of hearing about his future in the Family Business. And the man spits when he speaks, when he isn't wiping tears. The other Minister that took over was delightful - knowledgeable, humors and on the level. The Bride's gown was lovely from the back - the front wasn't my favorite. There were 2 (yes, 2) Maids of Honor, and if you weren't futzing with the Bride's train you were crying. Two of the Groomsmen couldn't make it, and the Best Man was in the running for Show Stealer (this generation!). The Bride's parents probably had children at age 12 -- they are youngish, compared to my graying brother and his wife (I just can't). I really was all kinds of odd and awkward. They forgot to make announcements, so we were herded one too many times and generally insulted (if you aren't family, please head to the Reception Area -- bitch please, we ARE the FAMILY OF THE GROOM, there's just a lot of us). There was no shade in the Reception area, and it was a dry reception (nothing but Mexican Coke and bottled water). The " hors d'oeuvre" amounted to  sliced loaves of French bread, olive oil and dollar store mixed herbs. Because of the weather (hot and windy) the bread became tasteless croutons. It went on forever (there was a Bride/Groom set of donkeys for photos and beverages - I don't know why). Katie and I were set at may Parents table with the Groom's Parents and my 2 Aunts that made it. Once again, Sean and the She-Beast were seated with some of the Uncles and Cousins -- which he doesn't mind, but it's RUDE.

...How was the dinner? Well, the Caesar Salad dressing was good. The Marsala wine sauce was good. The baked pasta and hockey puck of a piece of chicken not so much. And they were cheap, chintzy portions. Probably a good thing that most in attendance weren't really hungry or it could have gone sideways fast. The cake was what's become popular (probably with those that are anti-buttercream) The Naked Cake. Done properly is doesn't look like a half-assed home jobber, and it wouldn't have dried out to the extent this one was. Maybe they got a good deal on it. Maybe they didn't know to plastic and foil wrap it before placing in the freezer - I don't know. It sucked. Vanilla crouton and Chocolate Chip crouton with nothing but uninspiring icing to hold it together. Maybe they are waiting on deposit money from the original venue to roll in and they made due.

...All so they could have sex.

...Yes, my intrepid reader, they held off boffing until their Wedding Night.

...That, in my book, is no reason to wed. Why put your family and friends though this just so you can get off? Get over it, get under it and get going -- it's going to take a while before you get any good at it.

...Oh, and get this. My nephew took a part time job at the Big Box hardware store after he returned home due to Covid closing his/their College. OK. Great. But explain to me how that's providing for a wife -- because Miss Starry Eyes doesn't appear to have much in the way going on behind them. Annnnndddd they are moving into his parents home for the time being. What the major fuck? Is his Mommy going to tuck them in at night, too?

...Guys, I love my family -- you know that. But I'm done. These Weddings are nothing but Look At Me's and frankly, if you haven't made any sort of effort to meet us (and yes, it can be as daunting and as it is difficult to wrangle us in one location) don't expect me to put out any effort either. No Sing In - just figure I was there in spirit. I'll save you a place setting and you can put all those savings into an edible dessert. And if you're staying in your parents basement, forget the towels and china. That's not a life or a home you are building; it's a Tower of Bullshit.

Change --- is it really that good for the soul?

...Fresh from two day's time off, and I'm back, but I'm struggling.
...On the surface, it's because I'm tired. I've been on some level of awake since the two o'clock hour. I got up to pee, and found the two fans had been left on. Katie stayed up, and must have been either really tired or forgot. By the time I took care of everything I had voices in my head and cortisol in my veins. I never got around to relaxing or sleeping, so I got up at 0430 and started my day. No matter how much of an early bird I've been previously it isn't exactly happening now.
...I world is still on fire. People are pushing against the Covid policies designed to protect them from themselves (and others). Cities are rioting for George Floyd and what else I'm not certain (and frankly, neither are they). It's a mess.
...I don't like change.
...That's putting it mildly. I push and kick and fight tooth and nail -- mostly not because I'm confrontational, but because it's more that I don't fully grasp what's being handed to me. Give me some explanation, some training -- something to sink my teeth into and I'll be your Huckleberry, but until then I'm going to sweat everything and lose sleep.
...Which brings me to changes closer to the jacket.
...A year ago, when I started with this company, it looked different. We had a person that was the intermediary between grunts and management. Shit hit the fan, and she was gone. A lot of long term positions at our Main Branch suddenly "retired" or went away. When a position here went empty, they never made an attempt to replace it. When I moved to a better time slot, it took several months to replace me, and another agent that left. Along with these changes, a New Project was added, new staff wined and dined and paid better. My project was kicked to Second Fiddle and frankly we did it so well here that we didn't need anyone, but it would have been nice.
...At the first of the year the Owner stepped down and sold out to a holding company. Anything that made life nice around here has slowly died. No birthday or anniversary recognition. No attendance recognition.  No certificates of achievement. Meals and potlucks have gone the way of Covid-19 and working from home. No Team Lunch or Lunch on the Client for a job well done. Nothing. Crickets.
...Our in-house VP, the one who hired me, has changed positions and will no longer have any direct effect on me and mine. I'm not sure just how they will do this 1100 miles to the east but that's why they make the big bucks.
...Other changes include the auditioning for 2 other positions -- one I'm probably better suited for (talent acquisition and retention -- it's a puff job) and a Performance Analyst that required doing all the detail work; listening to calls and scoring, heading off problems and problem employees, etc. It's a step up and a dollar more, and given that I'm not going out in a Silver Mercedes, I'm probably going to apply. I just don't want to step on toes, and I got a nice letter of encouragement from the VP of Ops. I'm just struggling.
...From what I've seen, people in this position aren't happy (but Jill naturally is), and they seem terribly put out at times ( like when they actually have to do something).
...There's a certain amount of leeway where I am now, now that I've found it. I don't have to act the role of Management, although I miss is, and it's with me wherever I go.
...I don't know how others will respond. Others that have been here longer, or attached to this project longer. Hell, I never got the in's and out's so there's that. But if nothing, I'm adaptable, and I've learned how to do the hand-off/side step.
...I'm going to consider this, and I'll let you know. I've got some soul searching to do.

Here, where it's at.....

... All the world is in freak out mode, as public venues are beginning to open and people are venturing out. That's not without worries, naturally. For as humans, especially in this Country, we are less likely to follow rules and do what we damned well want.

...As the Northern Hemisphere warms, the Southern Hemisphere is starting to suffer the effects of The 'Rona. Hmmm, didn't a certain someone mention that it would lessen as summer approaches? I'll be doggone. (It was our President, and he viciously called out on it.) He may have been on to something after all. Let me point you to a well written piece in the Washington Post titled "Tell Me What to Do. Please! Even Experts Struggle with Coronavirus Unknowns." If you're too lazy to read it, I'll nutchell it for you. We didn't know, couldn't have known, and won't know for some time until the science and the numbers are thoroughly tumbled time and time again (which takes time). Oh -- and the best quote? "Science is messy." The whole article is chock full of things to chew on, and doesn't point fingers or assign (political) blame. We weren't prepared because we haven't been tested. I've said it before -- this is like 9-11. We never thought it would happen here because it hasn't happened here before.

...Experience breeds wisdom. And other things.

...If you are used to oppression, tracking, squalor, then it's nothing new when it's enforced.

...But 'Murica isn't used to being told no or that something's for our own good and we're going to

damn well flaunt our personal liberties at the expense of the old, infirm or poor. Was it the flu? I don't know. I thought it was like the flu, but I wasn't provided a crystal ball, and neither were our leaders. I still stand behind being safe means never having to be sorry, and I have no problem with us hunkering down for the greater good. I've been Jonsing to go shopping, to linger over wifi and endless fountain drinks, and to converse with strangers over spun fibers but I've been pretty good about that. I'd like to (afford to) go to a sit down restaurant and have someone be nice to me. (Are hookers and waiters the same? You pay for both. And now that buffet restaurants won't be returning any time soon...I'm beginning to wonder ---and worry about my mental health.)

...As someone who's had to make major adjustments through no fault of my own, I should be used to it. I feel like the whipping boy most times, it's true. And I will find my bearing as will we all. We just need to be smart about it.

...You'll find me here, watching you, because if I learned anything being Jim's daughter-in-law, it's that there is much that can be known in watching others. He was the Master and I but a mere student, but recon is where it's at.

The Suckening...

...From the deepest, darkest corners of my soul comes something so vile, so wretched, that I have to let it out -- with apologies to the weak and infirm:

2020 -- You Suck.

...Oh, we had hopes for 2020. How could we not?

...When 2000 became a real thing, there was the lead in of computers not functioning, the crash of the financial system and our power grid not being able to grasp those new, frightening digits. Well, as we all know that didn't come to be. I think I made sure I had $50.00 in hand and a copy of my bank statement as we toasted in the new year with BBQ and champagne. I've got a photo showing our petite party at the stroke of midnight on the clock in the background still mounted to the kitchen wall and I'll occasionally look at it and marvel at all the things that have changed.  Cell phones with cameras didn't even exist. Good times.
...A decade later and those of us "old folk" were thinking of Stanley Kubrick's "2010: A Space Odyssey." I probably have seen just enough of it to be included in conversations and reminiscences, since that's a little ahead of my time --  but I like to keep up. The Hubs was working through chemo, heading to his first stem cell transplant. Like all things, that came and went.
...And then 2020 happened. God, we all thought it would be better than 2019 -- how could it not be? I'd lost a job that I'd loved and bleed for. I'd possibly missed out on other opportunities, too, but we aren't going there. My son moved out with That Girl, leaving my short changed and with all his junk (both are still true a year later). We were beaten and a little broke and looking forward to many better things.

...China, you suck, too.

...China, with your taunting our President and your filthy Wet Markets, Covid-19 and outright lying about people dying, how they were dying, and their numbers dead. You suck on a daily basis. You even suck more than that little North Korean pimple, Kim Il Un(stable).

...And now? As if we really need more?
...Last week a man who was being detained by Minneapolis Police died while in custody. His name was George Floyd and he died because the PO who had him in handcuffs prone on the ground also had his knee/foot on the perp's windpipe. After 9 agonizing minutes of trying to tell them he couldn't breathe, he lost consciousnesses  and was transported to the hospital where he succumbed to his brutal treatment. Or so the story goes. Missing from the narrative are a number of key points. Did being charged with writing a bad check warrant such treatment? That's what we've been told was the reason he was under arrest, to which I ask -- who writes (or accepts) checks any more? I'd also like to know where the video is of the events before we see him mashed to the asphalt? Where's the cop-cam from the 4 officers who responded (four cops -- wth)? Only one civilian was running their cell phone -- what is this, 1999? And where is the preliminary coroner's report? How do we know that he didn't die primarily from something else that was exasperated by the torture he received via cop? I don't even know if these questions are being asked, because all we are getting from the Liberal Media Complex is night after night of protesters-cum-rioters looting already suffering businesses, spray painting buildings and burning cars. Thuggery is what this all has become, instead of (finally) being a beacon for change. It's overshadowed other high profile deaths, deaths that mattered too, but are being lumped in and overlooked as single important events. It's the worst racial hate and divide that we've seen in this country in many, many years. 

...Hearts are breaking. My kids are fighting over this. The ugly side of people is being exposed like the low-slung pants that guys wore to show off their undies (and availability). And the Media -- OMG the Media. They are everywhere with a backpack to transmit and their license to broadcast not all that is fit to print -- but whatever they can muck up. I watched the late coverage of our very downtown before turning in for the night, much to my horror, but what was happening here was the same as in (too) many towns and cities across our (once) great nation. More "protesters," more media-microphones, more horror. We  knew there was a protest planned yesterday by the Oracle of Facebook. Katie and I were rolling through downtown and saw some of the attendees heading in. They held it together, by all accounts, until the lights of the cameras started for the 5 o'clock news, it ramped up "when it goes [got] dark," and continued to the 10 o'clock broadcast -- longer if it was the poor, frightened just-out-of-water reporters from Channel 11 (talk about earning hazard pay). The Police had to use tear gas to disperse the crowd. Reports of windows being broken were flaunted, as though it was being suggested (nee: encouraged) as a ratings point. 

...I have little use for the Media, and I'm certain Walter Cronkite wouldn't even recognize what it's become. They were supposed to report the news, not make the news. You can bet your bottom dollar that Ted Koppel didn't take a rubber bullet for the team because he wasn't on the wrong side of the yellow tape. Those tasked with bringing the news now pontificate, as if we need (or want) their narrow, slanted opinion. Thanks, but I can form my own. "Transparency" has lost all meaning, but is supposed to justify (excuse?) the lack of bias. God, I hate what Cable has done to us. It wasn't like this were there were only The Big 3 to watch, plus PBS. 

...How far we've fallen.

...I fell asleep last night, saying a prayer for humanity. I believe that the more we separate ourselves from one another the worse this makes us. High School Biology taught us Genus-Species: what makes up every person, plant and living organism. We are homo sapiens. Period. We aren't our color (or lack thereof). We aren't allowed to differential our race, religion, sex or preference and yet there are those that are quick to inform you that they are a "whatever" -slash- something else, like a Fur-Merican with homicidal tendencies (I jest, but I'm trying not to offend). Can't you just be a human being?

...I have my own biases and opinions, right or wrong, and just because mine might not line up with yours doesn't mean I like you any less. It makes me less of a carbon clone of the next girl, and that's about it. I try to listen and respond (not react, but I'm human after all). And I try to remember the same about others. I'm not going to go out of my way to make anyone feel bad (at least not in front of them. I'll leave my bitching to my private space/hell). I try to appreciate the good in people, and remember they are someone's person/family. And I would hope they can at least try to do some of the same from me. There are always going to be people who set my radar off -- and it has less to do with the cover of the book and more with the contents. If you mean me and mine harm, I'm going to pick up on it and react. Plain and simple.

...So, as I've rambled in an attempt to lighten my heart, I beg of each and everyone out there. Live and let live. If you can't do what it takes, then get out and on to something else. No one is above being human, and that includes our policy makers, politicians, and enforcers. It's OK to call Uncle. Find whatever it is that is your calling, because deliberately harming another human being (or animal for that matter) isn't going to cut it.

... Second half 2020, I hope you bring it to the table, because thus far you just suck.

sort of a knitting crisis, with yarn.........

...I have no time to learn "new" Blogger.
...I have time. Scads of it. I just don't have the willpower. For that, or much else. I'm broken. Flat out in pieces. It could be the endless "pandemic" (thanks, Covid) or that I didn't sleep much after our final family Zoom call -- or it might have been the three Mexican meals I had yesterday (I was lacking) that trashed my innards, but really, why let one thing savor all the blame?

...What do you do? Mostly I'll knit, but the whole dishcloth/string bag fancy I had going is now long in the tooth and I'm being pulled

towards baby blankets. It doesn't help that there are two preggos in office, and I talk to folks setting up their family expansions all day every day. If I had any embryos left they would be (powdered) in such a fit. I miss baby toes and the smell of cornstarch powder and snuggles that turn into a lost hour (or two) here and there. It's knitting for me now, Crone that I've become. And it's a little saddening, too. We waited for so many years to romp like teenagers without fear of reproduction and now that it's here, Michael isn't. Damnit man, another thing you're missing. You should have stayed around.

....So I've been looking at patterns and thinking about what I want to knit. I like my boss enough (I think) to deem her knit worthy --- the other office lady maybe not so much, since she's part of the just give me money mindset that Today's Muggles* wallow in. I'm thinking purchased crap with the tags x'ed out so she can't return them for cash  (I'll fix that wagon!). But what to knit?

...Years ago I knit a sweet little blanket for someone that I never got around to sending to the intended so I  gifted it to the neighborhood breeder. My heart was in the right place, and that blanket probably got a lot of use as there were many siblings that followed. Anyhoo, I searched for that pattern and just the right yarn. Knitting for Muggles doesn't require cashmere or silk blends or even super wash merino wool -- it takes something that will take a beating (acrylic) and lots of it. OK, that's easy. Next comes color.

Don't expect me to knit in (shit) brown,






     jail cell grey

or dead yellow (WTH? I like yellow, but this is all kinds of wrong).





I had my heart set on some Iris





or Orchid,




of for the very least, some Aruba (..Jamaica, oooo I wanna take ya to...).


...My soul needs these colors, and I spent hours (not hours, more like concentrated minutes) plotting a course locally that would take me to the place that had it in stock per their online ordering thingie. Being as kind and considerate as I am, I didn't place an order to go. I picked up Katie after work and we were east side bound, to lighten our quarantine crushed souls and spend as it is my God. Given. Patriotic. Duty.

...We went to Michael's Crafts which will hence forth be known as That MF'er Crafts.
...I guess you could say I have a love-hate relationship with them.
...I do. I've bought many a do-dad and gee-gaw for low about 38 years. I've shopped every location and incantation locally since moving here. I've been a member of every single loyalty program (only to be disappointed time and time again) since the beginning and I've got their app in my drawer. So when you tell me this color (Orchid), this very specific "we're out of every other skein of yarn in any other color" skein of yarn is in stock and plentiful, you damn well better believe I expect to find that, and only that on the shelves.
...Well my intrepid reader, that yarn was not there. Not on the shelves (not even a tag to be found), not in the boxes above my short little self and not in the bins on the floor beneath everything. It just wasn't there.

...Lucky that I'm so flexible. I can knit a 4 weight in any version with the best of them, and fell for something completely different.. What can I say? It was on sale and I had a coupon.

So I bought some of this

and some of this (it's more of a dusty sage than anything). I don't know about feeling "like butta!" but it is pretty delightful on the hands, so it should work out for a little human. I also snagged some basic white and a light lavender for emergencies.

...Non knitters have yarn emergencies, don't they?

*What's a Muggle? Someone who doesn't knit, or get knitters who knit, or confuse crochet (gasp!) with knitting.

A Duck Tape Life

...I have things I need to get off my chest, but I'm at a loss on where to start, so it might get random.

...This work schedule isn't so bad -- unless you aren't a fan of 2 Mondays, 2 Fridays and a Wednesday. I feel tied down when I'm off because Katie is working, and when she's off, I'm working and we can't fart around town. Part of that is due to Covid-19 constraining all things retail because if we weren't still cautiously hunkered down we'd be at Who Gives a SCRAP or Goodwill spending money I don't have. Usually the calls during the week are light -- if any as I sit on the sidelines of the over flow que. Weekends I get to talk to all sorts of people while maintaining a steady flow of knitting, TV watching and internet surfing. When put like that, it's not too bad.

...I will bitch, though -- holiday pay, or lack thereof. This is a three day weekend, Memorial Day is Monday. And although the Federal Government recognizes it, my employer does not. It's just status quo -- and you're lucky you have a job, and if it's not busy you can get cut hours earlier. That seems archaic to me (and everyone who hears about it).

...I'm still knitting -- dishcloths and the occasional string bag, but

my interest is waning. Maybe it's the yarn fumes of yarns purchased long ago with good intentions that are calling to me. Maybe my hands are dry and the cotton yarn of late is sucking up whatever natural moisture was to be had -- I don't know. I haven't picked up anything new, and if my desk drawer and purse are any indication, I haven't given up the status quo just yet.


...We Zoom called last night - those of us who didn't bug out for the weekend. I love my family. We are pretty well put together all things considered. But for the love of Mike, some of them are a hot mess who monopolize the entire session like they are on Dr. Phil. I get that everyone has problems -- hell, I have problems, but you wouldn't know that because I can't get a word in edgewise. I'm frustrated (but hide it better than Dad does). I'd like to tell them about the people I talk to with Covid who are scared out of their minds, being hospital workers or pregnant women or have finally returned to work after 20 days in the ICU with lasting heart and respiratory difficulties. I'd like to tell them about waking up broken hearted again, after a (rare) Michael dream. I'd like to complain collectively about the prices of groceries and the idiots who refuse to mask up for the consideration of others. I'd like to open the doors to Liz's World, but no one cares. Maybe it's because I'm a master of keeping it to myself. Maybe it's because I don't need anyone to run my life -- I do need someone to listen. I'm keeping it together but golly do I need someone. It really hits home how much I miss Michael. Even if he called me on my shit, it meant he'd heard me.

...For the time being, I'm holding it together with Duct tape and it doesn't feel like living as much as existing. There's got to be more to life than that.


...Liz out.

Getting there, but not quite.

...Let me say up front -- I know we're going to be OK.
...It's just that I'm having a little trouble getting there.
...The Mortgage Company has been trying to reach me. I'm not in arrears, so I blow it off. Well, yesterday, an envelope arrived. Not only are taxes projected to double, but my escrow account is $700.00 in underfundage. If that isn't a word, it should be, because I guarantee finding the seven hundred clams  and the additional $40.00 per month that my payment will go up in addition is not going to be fun.
...I have savings.
...I have most of the Stimulus Money that was sent out last month. I've been so fortunate to stay employed (but screwed, too) that I haven't dipped too far into that, but I did justify a hundred to pay off previous late fees, so that was responsible if nothing else.
...I could lower the insurance on my vehicles, thus saving monthly, and I may as well get rid of the van since I'm not driving it.
...But I'm struggling.
...I need new glasses.
...I have put off vehicle maintenance.
...I need yard work done.
...I am doing this on my own, and it's a struggle.
...I have no Knight in Shinning bank account Armor.
...And it's a little of a freak out.
...I know we're going to be OK. I just have to get there.